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| - Bailiff – Jack, you are hereby charged with aggravated-theft and murder. How do you plead? Jack – Not guilty on grounds of diminished responsibility, your Honour. Mr Justice Trousers – Are you sure you want to admit your guilt? You realise the seriousness of these offences, Jack? And what may happen to you if your plea is rejected? Jack - Yes, sir. Mr Justice Trousers – Very well. Since you have opted to conduct your own defence, please tell the court what happened. Mr Justice Trousers – I see. Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, go on. Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, but the beans were magic, Jack, weren't they?
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| - Bailiff – Jack, you are hereby charged with aggravated-theft and murder. How do you plead? Jack – Not guilty on grounds of diminished responsibility, your Honour. Mr Justice Trousers – Are you sure you want to admit your guilt? You realise the seriousness of these offences, Jack? And what may happen to you if your plea is rejected? Jack - Yes, sir. Mr Justice Trousers – Very well. Since you have opted to conduct your own defence, please tell the court what happened. Jack – Thank you, sir. You see, Mummy and I were so poor we didn't have two ha'pennies to rub together. Or else we'd have bought some twigs and rubbed those together, your Honour, to make a fire. Mr Justice Trousers – I see. Jack – And Mummy said we had to sell the cow and that I should take him to market – be I ever so simple – and try to get a good price for her. Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, go on. Jack – Well, sir. Some thieving Gypsy bastard – excuse my French, sir. Some thieving travelling person of indeterminate parentage bought our poor old cow, Bessie, from me for three magic beans. He took advantage of my learning difficulty, your Honour! Mr Justice Trousers – Yes, but the beans were magic, Jack, weren't they? Jack - Only one of them, sir. Two of them were duds! I felt so humiliated that when I climbed the beanstalk the next day I wasn't in my right mind, sir, and I took advantage of the Giant's wife and stole a chicken. Honestly, your Honour, I never knew it was gonna lay golden eggs. All's I knew was my poor old mum had nothing to eat and no milk for her tea, and it was all my fault. Mr Justice Trousers – Understandable, Jack. But you did return to the giant's castle next day, did you not? Surely that was premeditated. Jack – Sir, I'm not proud. But when a mighty giant's wife took an interest in a poor simpleton like me, it quite turned my head, sir. I admit it, I did go back and this time I stole a golden harp. I'm not proud of it, your Honour. Mr Justice Trousers – And the giant chased you back to the beanstalk and you cut it down knowing that he would fall to his death? Jack – Yes, sir. He was bigger than me, sir and he kept shouting : “Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread” So I chopped down the beanstalk, sir, and he landed on his head. I'm so ashamed. Mr Justice Trousers – No need, Jack. You're most certainly a retard, but all this smelling the blood of Englishmen and grinding their bones strikes me as racial harassment. Case dismissed!
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