| abstract
| - Primitive versions of the modern mobile lavatory have existed since prehistory, when amoebae would release waste into the primordial ooze via reverse osmosis. Early man was known to erect vast, coliseum-size shrines where mass excretions transpired as a sacred offering to God. The first single-occupancy mobile lavatory was the coffin in which Catherine the Great was first entombed. Believed to be dead, she soiled herself four times before gravediggers were alerted to her screams. Because the coffin inexplicably had no bottom, the excrement did not collect in the coffin; moreover, gravediggers were baffled as to why Catherine neglected to thus exit her morbid confines as well. Five years later, in Port of the Pot, Wales, a young entrepreneur named Stanley Port O' Potty developed the first modern prototype: an 8 x 3 x 3 duplex consisting of an upper level and a basement. Considered to be the Henry Ford of Real Estate, Port O’ Potty grew rich off his Model P Port-O-Potties; they were easy to mass-produce and relatively cheap to the public. As an incentive to the buyer, Port O' Potty's mobile lavatories came pre-furnished with a ceramic chair with a hole in the middle which served as a door to the basement. By the dawn of the 20th Century, nearly 1 in 4 people worldwide lived in, on, or underneath a mobile lavatory. Landlords would arrange Port-O-Potties with exceptional sophistication, yielding clusters of lavatories stacked twenty high and a hundred wide, with the highest rates ostensibly going for the uppermost tenements. These arrangements rapidly became challenges for the greatest architects in the world. The Gateway Arch of St. Louis, Missouri was originally a large chain of Port-O-Potties before being turned into the Loch Ness Monster in 2008. Frank Lloyd Wright, inventor of the modern aircraft, stunned the world by creating a life-size replica of the Statue of Liberty comprised exclusively of Port-O-Potties in 1927. What was especially impressive at the time was that the entire statue was precariously balanced atop the torch of Lady Liberty herself. Wealthy landowners and corporate executives offered top dollar to live in her uppermost turrets, and Wright became the wealthiest man to ever be crushed by a life-size replica of the Statue of Liberty when it fell off its perch in 1928. 5,000 residents were killed; the rest were already dead, as these particular Ports-O-Potty had no doors. With the invention of the cubicle in 1935, the mobile lavatory fell out of favor in America, although it continues to be popular around the world and on Neptune. One of the reasons for the cubicle’s success is its pleasant, professional aroma. Another reason was a subsidy granted to the cubicle industry at the behest of cubicle lobbyists. Cubicle production came to a head in the early 1940s, when Port-O-Potty manufacturers were compelled to produce artillery for the U.S. Army. Further crippling the mobile lavatory industry was a general public aversion toward the “base,” “lowbrow” nature of the Port-O-Potty. A 1955 U.S. Census survey of 400,000 suburban residences believed that the presence of mobile lavatories, and to a lesser extent, live-in mailboxes, led to lowered property value and a perceived decline in neighborhood morals and ethics. Indeed, the introduction of Port-O-Potties into a neighborhood of houses lowered the property value of the houses by as much as 32%. Presently, the mobile lavatory is a mainstay at large social gatherings, work sites for which the plumbing is not yet installed, and thrill-seekers at Niagara Falls.
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