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| - I am a traitor. I don't care what you say. Yes, I did encourage others to fight for the clans, to rebel against the Dark Forest, to stand up for the stars. Maybe I did. But at the same time, I caused the death of so many. Firestar, Sorreltail, Ferncloud, Foxleap, Mousefur; you name them. I trained with the cats that condemned them; I supported so many evils, and I was so, so blind. I was so caught up in my own jealousy, envy of my perfect sister who had everything, who was perfect in every single way. So angry and spiteful and foolish, and I listened to Hawkfrost. He told me great things, flattered me..... he was interested in me, not my sister, who outshone me in every way possible.
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| abstract
| - I am a traitor. I don't care what you say. Yes, I did encourage others to fight for the clans, to rebel against the Dark Forest, to stand up for the stars. Maybe I did. But at the same time, I caused the death of so many. Firestar, Sorreltail, Ferncloud, Foxleap, Mousefur; you name them. I trained with the cats that condemned them; I supported so many evils, and I was so, so blind. I was so caught up in my own jealousy, envy of my perfect sister who had everything, who was perfect in every single way. So angry and spiteful and foolish, and I listened to Hawkfrost. He told me great things, flattered me..... he was interested in me, not my sister, who outshone me in every way possible. Oh, and maybe I did see my error. Maybe I did try to correct them. Try to reverse my crimes. Yet after all these moons, I still wake up with my heart pounding in terror, seeing ice-blue eyes pierce right through me. Hollow amber eyes glaring down at me. Claws and teeth flashing, and blood staining my fur. Blood was always everywhere. And then a limp body beneath my claws, wide amber eyes staring down at me in shock as he dissolved, leaving behind nothing but blood. I can still feel my claws ripping through fur like leaves, still taste the foul blood spraying out from a wound. Water rushing through my lungs, filling up everything and blurring my vision. What's worse is the guilt. The suspicion in my clanmates' eyes, watching every move I make, judging me, cursing me, because I lived when I should have died, paying for my sins. And I don't blame them. I ruined everything. I killed so many innocent cats, so many who deserved to live more. And, of course, nothing is worse than seeing Holylleaf die in front of me, over and over and over and over and over again. The way her sleek fur stiffened, flank never rising again, holly-green eyes dulling, their light dying. Her claws stiffening, coated in blood. The blood gushing from her throat, never ending. I don't think you'd understand. When I first met her, in the tunnels, she was a legend. A perfect warrior, one who died helping clan. Who cared so much about the Code. And then we got out of the tunnels, and I realized she had saved my life twice. Once with Blossomfall, once with Dovewing. I admired her so much. She taught me so much during her time back. She was so patient and kind and willing to listen, and I began to see more than just her perfect warrior. I think I did love her. I'm not sure. Just as suddenly as she had come into my life, she was swept away, in a torrent of blood and ice. I never told her, and I don't think I ever will. Because while she is a perfect warrior, I am a traitor who sentenced her to death.
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