| abstract
| - The first person to learn of His Lordliness was the heroic pirate , Captain Mosey of the good ship Lasagne . Born in Egypt or Babylon, Mosey was the son of a sea cook, who was killed one day at sea by the vicious pirate king, Blackpool . When Mosey learned of the death of his father, he built himself a raft and attempted to go after Blackpool himself; however, he came ashore on an island often frequented by the pirate king's crew and was caught off guard. After taking Mosey hostage, Blackpool fed him a dinner of undercooked noodles with mead, sending Mosey into a delirious stupor. At first seeing visions of elephants and midgets, Mosey finally saw an image he would never forget: a giant monster, made of spaghetti, floating above a starry sea. The monster approached Mosey and said to him, "Do not be afraid. I am your God." The monster soon revealed to Mosey that he had hid himself from the world on purpose, "so that they may not become incredulous at my appearing." He then told Mosey that he was to be "my prophet, my messenger to the people, who will give them news of my Coming, and rejoice with them." When Mosey exclaimed that he had neither the courage nor the personal bearing to be the messenger of an unknown god, the monster replied, "My son, do not be afraid; I, the One, True, and Most High God, will guide you."' Pharaoh Ptolemy XII issues a proclamation on the growing threat of Unitarianism. After being marooned on a deserted island by the pirates, Mosey took the initiative: he caught a couple of sea turtles and roped them together with hair from his back to make a raft. He then travailed to the nearest port city, Recency, where he expounded to all the great vision he had had of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FM) . The people, believing this to be a most holy sign, rose up against Blackpool when he next came to the port and destroyed his vast fleet of ships, killing Blackpool himself in the process. Now free of their vicious tyrant, Mosey led the people, his new followers, to a nearby mountain, Mount Salsa, where, at the top, the FSM spoke to Mosey and gave him 10 stone tablets upon which the FSM's wishes were stated. Unfortunately, Mosey dropped two of the stones on the way down the mountain, leaving the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts ". This is believed to be the reason behind his people's flimsy moral standards. Mosey's people became the first Pastafarians, and soon bought a vessel from the Roman Navy, which they deemed a missionary vessel, calling it Lasagne. They began roaming the seas, storming vessels and kidnapping young Romans to be converted; if they did not accept, they would be held for ransom at a ridiculously low price, which no one ever challenged. Sadly, this would be the cause of Mosey's downfall. As a young man, Julius Caesar planned on taking a trip to Greece by sea. Unfortunately for him, the Pastafarians seized control of the vessel he was on in 75 BC (Sanitarian Year 1), kidnapped Caesar, and held him for ransom. Caesar was insulted at the ransom demand, which was disgustingly low, and promised to crucify the crew of the Lasagne after he was free. At his insistence, Mosey raised the ransom demand to a level in accordance with his station: his friends quickly raised the sum. After his freedom was purchased, he assembled a small army, which captured Mosey, along with a few of his closest friends, and crucified him. They then dismantled the Lasagne and sold it for scrap. According to the prophet Ragu, one of those who evaded Caesar's forces, Mosey's last words were, "Die, sir? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!" His body was burned, and his ashes scattered to the four corners of the earth, by the remnants of the Lasagne crew; the first Sanitarian community.
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