Nananananah. -- 13:01, 14 July 2008 (UTC)
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| - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Santa's elves on strike this year, naughty and nice list shortened
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| - Nananananah. -- 13:01, 14 July 2008 (UTC)
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| Pcomment
| - yeah this opening line needs a bit of work. Opening lines are important especially in UnNews articles. my main problem is “Nikolaus Claus' firm's workers” you hear the consonance there? It really doesn’t make it easy to read and your reader will trip up over the “esses”. Try something like “Santa Clause Unlimited’s work force going on strike!” . Secondly the word “sad” doesn’t make me care. Try something more sensational like “depressed” “enraged” or “suicidal”.
Your heading was good though, and that’s pretty much more important that the opening line.
Generally your prose needs some polishing and needs to be a bit more sensationalised. Occasionally you ended up sounding a bit garbled Try reading it out loud to yourself and that should pick up those bits.
Yeah you also felt a little unfinished. Try adding another paragraph at the end saying something like Santa is trying to resolve the problem by employing Gnomes to do the job instead. Something like that.
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| Icomment
| - Yeah the image here was OK but the caption needs a bit of work. You have But that doesn’t sound newpapery enough for my liking. Why not try “…Saint Clause Senior has also been accused of promoting obesity and breaking and entering; worried mothers also threaten to sue.”
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| Ccomment
| - I did like this. A story about Santa in July, nicely ironic at least if not satirical. Him being sued has probably been done before but I still thought it was good how you pointed out he was essentially a charity and you didn’t put all focus on his breaking and entering habit.
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| Hcomment
| - Ok it wasn’t the finniest but there was some good jokes . A lot of what is stopping this being really funny is your prose. Make sure it sounds official and uses interesting language.
Yeah you also had the elves suing for $50,350 when you mentioned before that they were gonna sue only for $50,000. This kinda felt like there was a joke there without a punch line try and include the joke or just leave it both at $50k.
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| - If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.
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| abstract
| - Nananananah. -- 13:01, 14 July 2008 (UTC)
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