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| - Credited to an anonymous writer on F Yeah Pokemon Creepypasta. The first Pokémon game I ever owned was Pokémon Gold. I don’t remember my team entirely, but I remember the Pokémon I started with: Feraligatr. Feraligatr and I tore through the game, defeating trainer after trainer, even beating Red himself atop Mt. Silver. And then the internal battery ran dry. When that happened, I was devastated. I never regarded my Pokémon as simply bits of data, I saw them as friends. Having my save file deleted was akin to having a close friend die. Over time, I continued to acquire games: Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, Pearl, and Platinum. But I never forgot Gold. It wasn’t long before I heard of the new remake of the Johto region games, HeartGold and SoulSilver. This offered the chance to play through my beloved Johto region for the first time since Gold died. As soon as they came out, I rushed to the nearest GameStop and picked one up. As soon as I turned the game on, I felt a tingle in my fingers, an uncomfortable feeling that something was wrong. I shrugged it off as over-excitement and began the game. I named myself Xavier, as I always do, and went to go pick up a starter from Professor Elm. When I reached the lab, I saw the familiar form of the rival (let’s call him Silver, for simplicity’s sake). I went up and spoke to him. What he said unsettled me. “Welcome back.” Welcome back? That wasn’t what he’d said in Gold, was it? That’s not what he’s supposed to say. I tried to speak to him again. “…” Nothing. I tried a few more times, then gave up and entered the lab. Professor Elm was waiting for me. “Hello, XAVIER. Glad to see you again.” What the hell? “They are waiting for you. They have been for many years. Do you remember them?” Here I was given a YES/NO option. Confused, but with a growing sense of suspicion, I chose NO. “Hm. Pity. But of course, you wouldn’t remember, would you? Not someone like you. You’ve moved on.” Here I lost control of my character. He walked over to the healing machine, where six Poké Balls waited. The screen faded out… …then promptly faded in to a dark room. It took me a minute to realize where I was: the House of Memories, in Lavender Town. Mr. Fuji awaited me. “They are waiting.” I was led into an underground chamber. With horror, I realized that the graphics were changing. No longer were they the new, clear graphics of the DS; instead, they were pixellated, reminiscent of those of the GameBoy Color. Upon reaching the lower chamber, Mr. Fuji stood aside. “This is for you alone. I cannot stay.” He left. And I was left to face these six gravestones. “…” What was this? “…Hello again.” “We’ve missed you.” “Oh so much.” “Do you remember?” “Of course he doesn’t.” “He’s moved on.” Out of the graves came six figures, their detail horrific. Noctowl; Ariados; Togetic; Donphan; Hitmontop; Feraligatr. They were almost exactly as I remembered them. Except…I sensed an angry vibe from them. “You’ve moved on.” “You don’t remember us.” “You don’t care about us.” “You don’t want us.” “You don’t need us.” “You don’t love us.” Here, I was given a YES/NO option. Confused, I clicked NO. “No? You think us wrong?” “He says that now. Look at him.” “Yes. Smug, thinking he owns it all.” “He never wanted us.” “He never loved us.” My old Feraligatr stepped forward. I could almost feel the breath of his enormous jaws on my face. “Like it or not, XAVIER, we are yours. So if you will not permit us to join you…” My character began to spin, like that of the Dig animation. But I knew I wasn’t escaping. “You will join us.” The screen zoomed in on my character’s face, and, for a split second, I thought I saw horror and fear in his pixellated eyes. Then the screen went black. I’ve begun playing through my older games now, games I hadn’t touched in months. Especially Sapphire. Because, when they remake the Hoenn games, I don’t want to be abandoned again…
- Todd: "Do You Remember" by Jay Sean featuring Sean Paul and Lil Jon is not one of my better-remembered reviews. It, um...and again, Jay Sean is just not a fascinating guy, and most of my jokes on it are about how not fascinating he is. But app...apparently this video has one of my best-remembered jokes in it. Like...you'll know it when you see it, I guess. Mostly, I picked this song to review just for the novelty of three different guys I could talk about, and that's...that worked out pretty well, and, um...but mostly I prefer to get, like, worse songs on the review show. But this one turned out pretty well. "Do You Remember" by Jay Sean featuring Sean Paul and Lil Jon. Todd: My first-ever review was "Down" by Jay Sean. Uh...you can go check it out if you want. What I said at the time... Clip of "Down" Todd (VO): ...is that it's generic and lyrically uninteresting, but it's also catchy and energetic. Jay Sean: Woo! Todd (VO): That forgives a lot. It's a solid enough pop song, I think. I'll admit I think it's grown on me some since I first heard it. Todd: I know I said at the time it was a little too formulaic for me, but I guess I didn't realize just how formulaic things could get. See, now I've had a chance inferior followup, "Do You Remember." Video for "Do You Remember" Lil Jon: Hey! Jay Sean! Sean Paul: Sean Paul Lil Jon: Lil Jon Todd (VO): Jay Sean is apparently insecure about his ability to carry a song on his own, and rightfully so, I might add. Todd: And since he's already used up his one [Monopoly-style Community Chest card of...] "free collaboration with Lil Wayne" card, instead Jay Sean recruited [pictures of...] Sean Paul and Lil Sean. ["Sean" is crossed out and replaced with "Jon"] And already it's amusing to me that instead of one rapper, we need two now. It's...it's like the 90s Batman movies, [posters of Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin] where they had to keep adding villains to distract from how much their lead actors [poster of George Clooney as Batman] sucked. Jay Sean: If its alright with you, Then its alright with me. Baby let's take this time Todd (VO): All right now, is it just me, or does this sound familiar to you? Jay Sean: Do you remember Do you remember Do you remember All the fun times we had? Todd (VO): Oh Jay Sean, my answer is yes, I do remember. Clip of "Down" Jay Sean: Even if the sky is falling down Todd (VO): I remember "Down," your last song, and this is a straight cover version basically. [Intercut between two videos: "Do You Remember"] Jay Sean: There's nothing left to say. Don't waste another day. ["Down"] Jay Sean: I'll take you away-ay ["Do You Remember"] It's just you and me tonight Everything will be okay. ["Down"] Cause we have a night to get away Todd (VO): There's no getting around it. Todd: This song is "Down," except with LIL JON! Lil Jon: Oh! Todd: And also one other difference—it's addressed to an ex rather than to a stranger, and he wants to bring back the good times and all that. Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Lil Jon: Bring it back Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Lil Jon: Bring it back Todd (VO): What about this scenario? Who's he talking to? Todd: An ex-girlfriend? Ex-wife? Just friends with benefits? Old classmates? What were these good times? When did they happen? What kind of things happened during them? Why did they end? And how? Did it end badly? In tears? Just kind of fizzle out? Did someone move away? Go off to college? Join the army? What?! The answer to all these questions is, I don't know because the song doesn't tell you, because when it gets right down to it, this is a song about nothing! Nothing at all! Clip from Metalocalypse Nathan Explosion: NOTHING!!! Jay Sean: Do you remember Todd (VO): But it only seems meaningless on the surface. If you look deeper, there's another hidden level to the lyrics. Our trio here isn't just addressing a girl... Todd: They're addressing you, the listener. They're asking you to remember the times we had? Let's bring back those good times. Bring back good times like 2006, [clip of "Temperature"] when we still cared about Sean Paul; like 2004, [clip of Usher ft. Lil Jon and Ludacris - "Yeah"] when we still cared about Lil Jon; and like 2009, [clip of "Down"] when we still cared about Jay Sean. Todd: Kidding. Kidding. No one ever cared about Jay Sean. Jay Sean: There's nothing left to say. Don't waste another day. Its just you and me tonight Todd (VO): Well, just you and me and this one random guy shouting in the background. Lil Jon: DO YOU REMEMBER! Jay Sean: All the fun times we had? Let's bring it back Lil Jon: Bring it back! Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Todd/Lil Jon: Bring it back! Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Lil Jon: Bring it back! Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Todd/Lil Jon: Bring it back! Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Todd: Well, it's sure nice to see Lil Jon show off his kinder, gentler side. Lil Jon: Yo Jay, sing for these ladies! Todd: And it's nice to know that it's just as loud and crazy as his other sides. Jay Sean: Let's make new memories Lil Jon: Let's go! Todd (VO): And the question has to be asked—why is Lil Jon on this track? Todd: There are songs that are meant to have Lil Jon on them... Clip from "Let's Go" Lil Jon: Let's go! If you want it, you can get it, let me know Todd: ...and then there are songs that just aren't. Footage of Swan Lake Todd (as Lil Jon, whose picture is pasted): YEAH! SWAN LAKE Todd: Look at him. [Clips of "Do You Remember"] Even he doesn't seem to know what he's doing here. I mean, you really have to imagine that he just sort of suddenly realized that he hasn't been on a song in a while, and just jumped into Jay Sean's recording studio just to get back in the picture. And speaking of it, where has Lil Jon been for the past five years? What happened? Like, back in 2004, you couldn't walk down the street without someone gettin' in your face and shouting, "WHAT?! YEAH!!!...BOY HOWDY!"...or something, I don't really remember. It's been awhile. Jay Sean: I've been thinkin' about you Todd (VO): Okay, look, I wasn't impressed with "Down" lyrically, but it sounds like ten Bob Dylan albums in one next to "Do You Remember." Jay Sean: How you, how you doin' Todd (VO): How you doin? Todd: You know what? At least on "Down," Jay Sean seemed to have some life in him. Here he just doesn't even seem to care, it's like even he's disappointed he's singing such a blatant ripoff of his last single. Jay Sean: ...times we had Let's bring it back Lil Jon: Bring it back Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Lil Jon: Bring it back Todd: Oh, Sean Paul, save this song. Sean Paul: Bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun, When I was still your number one. And the good vibes run. Girl take a sip out the champagne, Take a little trip down my lane, My girl. Todd: God bless you, Sean Paul. I don't think I've understood, like, five words you've ever said. Todd (VO): Seriously, he could be singing anything right now, for all I know. Sean Paul: Don't change up now rearrange it girl Todd: Grocery list, the Constitution Todd (VO): [a la Sean Paul] "We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility" Sean Paul: While your out every night I will feel alright, Nigga clearly this girl is a my world. Todd (VO): Regardless, Sean Paul is this song. Todd: I mean, Jay Sean will be lucky if whatever girl he's talking to doesn't say, "oh, honey, I do remember those good times, but now I'm more interested in your friend Sean Paul. Do you think you could hook us up?" Jay Sean: So long since you've been missing Todd (VO): What this song does is definitively label Jay Sean as a B-lister. There's a version of this song on the radio right now that cuts out Lil Jon, and you'd think it'd be better because Lil Jon has basically no business being here at all. But it actually makes it worse because, as far as I can tell, less Lil Jon means more Jay Sean, and we don't need that. Todd: Either that or you just can't feel the romance without Lil Jon shouting at you, I don't know. But seriously... Brief clip of "Down" Todd (VO): "Down" without Lil Wayne would've been about half as good. Without Sean Paul or Lil Jon, "Do You Remember" would be completely worthless. Todd: And I have to ask, why does a British man with Punjabi Sikh parents make music this generic? I mean, shouldn't he have at least a little outside cultural influence? What happened? Well, out of curiosity, I checked out some of his previous hits from the U.K., and they actually did have some of that exotic flavor I was expecting. Clip of "Eyes on You" Jay Sean: Got my eyes on you Won't you bring that back to me Got my eyes on you Todd: Compared to his more average-sounding American hits, his older stuff is actually much more interesting and colorful. Jay Sean: It's about time to get rowdy You know I wanna work that body Todd: But it's also terrible! So never mind! Jay Sean: Let's bring it back Let's bring it back Let's bring it back Oh, let's bring it back
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