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| - NC: Paw, report! Paw: Uh, three-bedroom, two-door garage, siding could use a little work... NC: I mean who's on it? Paw: Oh, um, yeah, um... (checking his scanner again) Henchman: Sir, the Critic's ship is requesting contact. Terl: Let them eat static. Paw: Sir, all I'm getting is static. NC: Go to Spoiler Alert! Snob: Should I arm the photon red shells? (to Luke) It is so cool we have that. Luke: Yeah! NC: Not yet. Terl's henchman: They still haven't raised their shields, sir. Terl: Of course. We are one big happy home-owners association. Ah, Critic, my old friend. Have you not heard the PsyClown proverb that says that revenge is a dish best served luke-warm with a side of mashed potatoes and that gravy that gets a little skin on top that gets stuck in your teeth? (Zod looks confused) Well, it's very luke-warm with a side of mashed potatoes and that gravy that gets a little skin on top that gets stuck in your teeth... (whispering) in spaaaaace! (Zod still looks confused) Oh, bite me. It's fun. Phelous: All right, let's get you out of here. Voice: Ahem! Sage: (remembering) Oh, um. I'm sensing impending danger. Zod: Are you sure this is going to work? Terl: You give these critics too much credit. They're not smart. They're just a pile of pop-culture referencing peons. Watch this. Paw: Sir, incoming transmission from the mystery house. They say they're fellow critics. NC: What? From where? Paw: From ... the Food Network? NC: What? Terl: (with girly voice) Hello! This is Rachael Ray. Yummo! We were, um, out of sugar, and we were hoping we could borrow a cup of yours. 8-Bit Mickey: What are you doing in space? Terl: (vo) Uh, it's a special crossover with, um... ...Oprah! Zod: (woman voice) Um, that's right, girlfriend. You win a car! Marzgurl: (To NC) If we give them the sugar, we'll have to lower our shields. Terl: (vo) Oh, come on. Lend us a cup, and I'll show you how to make a chocolate tart in 30 minutes. JewWario: Ooh! That does sound good. NC: Paw? Paw: Scanning. Their sucrose levels are normal. Mickey: I don't buy it. Zod: (vo) Oh, just give us the sugar, you little shit, or I'll disembowel your goddamn guts and chew on it like a Soylent Snickers bar in Hannibal Lector's candy factory! Paw: Well, that does sound like Oprah! Mickey: Yeah, we better do what she says. NC: All right. Put some sugar in the laser banks and fire it over. Marzgurl: (clenched teeth) But then our lasers will be useless! NC: (to Marzgurl) You want to mess with the queen of daytime talk? (back straight ahead) Lower our shields. Lupa: Does that look suspicious to you? Joe: Hmm. (Looks at Mechakara) Oh, no, he always wears that brown hat. (Lupa can't believe what she's heard) Terl's henchman: Sir, they're lowering their shields. Terl: Raise ours. Mickey: Their shields are raising! NC: That bitch! Fire red shell torpedoes. Snob: I can't! NC: What? Snob: The torpedoes are down! NC: Lasers. Snob: You turned them into PIXIE STICKS! NC: Raise shields! Marzgurl: Too late. Terl: FIRE!!! Terl: Ah, ha ha! Stupid humans! NC: Report! Mickey: Weapons offline! (quickly looks at his panel, then back to NC) Shields are down! (and again) And we lost Dish Network! NC: Damn! Mickey: I know, I really wanted to see Game of Thrones, too. NC: Cinema Snob, can we fire back? Snob: Um, according to this red light that means "no", um... no. NC: Engineering? CR: (vo) This is CR. I'm not available right now because the engines exploded. Please leave a message at the blood-curdling scream. (screams) NC: JewWario, you're the navigator! Do something! JewWario: Well, if there's anything Nintendo has taught me, it's ... "Do a Barrel Roll!" NC: Don't do that again! Report! Mickey: I'm nauseous, Captain. (collapses on the floor) Paw: Sir. The enemy wishes to discuss the terms of our surrender. NC: (hesitantly) Onscreen. (Zod appears on screen; NC gets up from his chair and walks to the front of his screen) Zod! Terl: (offscreen) No, no, no! (pushes Zod aside as he enters the picture) I told you before. This is my show. My show! (Zod is not amused throughout this whole scene) NC: You? Terl: So, Critic! You remember me. I can't help but feel touched. NC: Tigger? Terl: TERL!!! OH MY GOD!!! I JUST TALKED TO YOU A FEW DAYS AGO!!! NC: Curl, what is the meaning of this attack? Terl: Ha. Methinks the lady doth digest too much! Ha ha! Zod: That's "protest," you moron! Your Shakespeare is terrible. Terl: Shut it, Spandex! NC: (sighs) What do you want? Zod: We wish for you to beam aboard this vessel and face the wrath of Zod. (Terl bumps him) And Terl. Terl: But mostly Terl! NC: And if I refuse? Terl: Then you can say goodbye to one of your friends down below. NC: Ha, like they'd be stupid enough to... Sage: (vo) Critic, uh. we (as soon as he speaks, NC grimaces; cut to Sage and the others) kinda sorta got ourselves captured. But don't worry, I'll use my psychic abilities to control them. (puts his hand out; one of the henchmen hits it with his gun) Ah! NC: Listen, Wurl! You can't be serious. Terl: Oh, but I am. And just to show you just how serious my intentions are, I will now kill one of the hostages. NC: Wait. Don't you want to haggle? Terl: Guard. Kill one of them. I don't care which. Phelous: (sarcastic) Uh, yeah. I feel the love in this room! (the guard repeatedly stabs him with the others watching in horror the whole time as blood starts flying everywhere) Oh, ah! Ah! Ah! (as the guard starts to get up, Phelous coughs) Oh, why would you do that? (the guard returns and stabs him some more with him groaning and choking more) Oh, that hurts so MUCH! (the guard can't believe it, so more stabbing) Oh, COME ON- (the guard looks relieved) Oh, that wasn't so bad- Ow! Oh, I think I'll be all right, though. (even MORE stabbing as the others are now annoyed) Yeah. I'm dead. Go away. ...I shouldn't have said that, should I? (and STILL more of the same) NC: Sage! SadPanda! Phelous! What's going on? SadPanda: Sir, Phelous is... (another stab) thankfully dead. NC: You Psyclone bastard. You killed my flunky! Oh, you Psyclown bastards! You killed my flunky! Phelous: You were saying? (NC stands up) NC: Phelous? What are you doin' here? Phelous: I'm a red shirt: every time one dies, another one always comes back. NC: Huh! That explains a lot actually. Terl: There are other hostages, Critic! Some not so easy to resurrect. Do you want them to die, too? NC: All right. All right. Just give me a minute to inform my crew. Terl: I give you 60 seconds for you and your valiant crew. Zod: Yeah, that's a minute! Terl: "Yeah, that's a minute!" That's what you sound like, you know. (to NC) But never you mind! For whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the dings and vowels against the Wheel of Fortune or to take arms against... NC: Yeah, cut off his audio. Terl: ...Jeopardy- (He is put on mute) Mickey: Well, you heard the man. Get over there, buddy. NC: (Snob and Marzgurl grab him) Hey, hey, hey. (he shakes them off) We're not doing that! Mickey: Well, what are we doing? NC: Paw, what do we know about these guys? Paw: Well, according to the Junior Woodchucks Guide to Astronomics, they are highly specialized. NC: Meaning? Paw: Well, logically, no one knows how to do anything except their own job. Snob: So, their tactical weapons officer... Mickey: ...can only fire the weapons. Marzgurl: And nobody else can. NC: Engineering. (we cut to Engineering where CR and Joe are) Does the transporter still work? CR: Yeah, but I'm afraid it's very badly damaged. I can only put rough coordinates in, and I'm afraid we can only beam in two at a time right now. NC: Joe, would you like to shoot something? Joe: Why, yes, Critic. Yes, I would. NC: Good. I have a plan. Let me get my battle armor on. Something... dreadful. Marzgurl: You mean...? NC: Oh, yeah! Meet me in Engineering. JO: Wait, Critic! I have invented these: power enhancing energy gloves! They increase your body strength by 12 hundred percent. I shall now demonstrate on... Paw Paw! (punches Paw who gets blasted to the wall) NC: (grabbing the gloves from JO) OK, I think I like this crazy Otaku! All right. Joe, meet me in Engineering. Everyone else... (looks back at his screen) Act like you're still listening to him. Terl: (unmuted) ...to sleep, perchance to cream! Aye, there's the tub. CR: (to NC and Joe) You guys ready? NC and Joe: (offscreen) Ready. CR: Energizing. (and he begins the teleportation process) Terl: ...and the play's the thing, wherein I tickle the ball sack of the king and... Joe: Excuse me! Which one of you is the tactical weapons officer? NC (doing his best Stallone impression): I AM THE LAW! NC: (Stallone voice) Court's adjourned. Zod: What the hell just happened? Terl: He just shot our tactical officer. Zod: Well, get another one! Terl: We don't have another one! Zod: What? Terl: Well, if we had one, why would we need another one? NC: CR, I'm sending you their coordinates. Beam them out and then me. SadPanda: Well, this was fun. Zod: Well, what are we supposed to do now? Terl: You're the pajama-wearing big shot. You think of something! Zod: Well, the more we stand here talking about it, the more we give them a chance to think of something! Marzgurl: All right. This side, get all weapons back online. This side, try and get into contact with the Critic. Phelous: (interrupting) Wait a minute. I'm in command here! Everyone- do what she says. Terl: (to the henchmen) You have five minutes to find somebody who understands our weaponry! Zod: Or, at the very least, get us the ship's owners manual. NC: CR! Where's that damn beaming? CR: Um, I'm sorry, Critic! The teleporter has a high energy bearable matrix. NC: ...What does that mean?? CR: IT WON'T WORK! NC: Well, make it work, dammit! (shoots some more) CR: All right, um, I think this might work. Energizing! NC: Ha ha! (stands up) Now you see me, now you don't! (nothing happens for a few seconds. So the Critic shoots the middle henchman, who falls dead; the others retaliate as NC hides again) CR!!! CR: Damn it. OK, um, I think I figured out the problem. Try this one. Terl: (to one henchman) You there. Report. Henchman: Well, this guy (motions the other henchman standing next to him) used to flush cherry bombs down the toilet. Terl: (shaking his hand) Congratulations, you're our new tactical officer. Zod, how's the programming coming? Zod: (reading a manual, almost sounding like Marvin the Martian) "Congratulations on purchasing your new Illunium 36 Explosive Space Modulator. We're glad you had the..." Terl: Don't read the first page! (Rips it out) It's filler! Zod: "After completing the parts on page one, you will next want to..." Terl: Oh, Goddamit! NC: ...Still not the ship. Joe: You're outside the building, Critic. It's OK. The scanners say there's no guards out there. (some guards start shooting NC) Oh, wait. The red dots are THEM, and the green dot is YOU! Oh, there are a TON of guards out there! LOTS. (more guards pop up from the field, and the Critic frantically fires) Oh, look, there's more of them! The screen looks like a cherry pie! Marzgurl: Cinema Snob, how are those weapons coming? Snob: Well, the popcorn maker's working. We could always steam their faces with it. Marzgurl: Phelous. Suggestions? Phelous: Oh, NOW someone wants advice from the red shirt, huh? Well ... (he is struck down by lightning) Marzgurl: Clean up! Zod: Oh, this is taking too long! Put on the video tutorial. No. no, you got it in French! Terl: Oh, mon dieu! Zod: Find someone who speaks French! NC: What the hell? Joe: (vo) Good thinking, Critic! NC: Remind me to kill you later!! Joe: (to others) ...I don't really have to remind him, do I? Gloves: Bullet Dodge. Gloves: Battery Low. NC: (continuing to punch them) Woah, Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on. Woo hoo! Gloves: Battery Dead. NC: You know, um... (punches the guard in the jaw and runs away) Zod: I can't understand a thing he's saying! Terl: Engage the French translator. Benzaie: Bonjour! I am your French instructor! To continue this lesson in French, please press 1! Terl: That doesn't even make any sense! Zod: Why would we want to learn French in French? Film Brain: Isn't there something we can do?!? CR: I'm trying, but right now, we can only beam objects and not people. JO: Ooh! I'll be right back. (she leaves) JO: This is the OMG-WTF 9000. It can shoot 9,000 volts in one smackeroo! I think I shall test it on... Paw Paw! (shoots Paw, shocking him in the process as he falls to the ground) And that was just a minor setting. Film Brain: (shocked) I'd say that works. CR: Bombs away. Terl: No. Push the buttons up here. The red ones. Maybe they do something. (Explosion) That just blew up Venus. Fuck. They're going to miss that. Zod, how is the video coming? Zod: I don't even know what he's doing right now! He's just dancing around naked! Benzaie: (rapping) Yo! My name's Benzaie / And you know that I'm always kissing guys ... Todd: Hey, we could use a little help, you know! Mechakara: We are providing tactical moral support. Seven of Eleven: (blankly) Go team. (Todd doesn't know what to think as he gets back to work) NC: Don't run, don't run! I want to be your friend! Marzgurl: Jut all of our auxiliary power into laser cannons. Luke, get me an update on those torpedoes. Phelous- (he holds up his finger only to get shot in the head) ...Clean up! Terl: (onscreen) Ha ha! Well, my withering subjects, it seems we have our weapons systems back online! (the guard behind him gets blasted across the room) Two minutes. (screen shuts off) Computer: Overheated. Henchman: Sir, the Critic has been spotted on the moon. Terl: What?? Beam me down there. This time the day will be mine! Zod: (flipping through the manual) Come back here, you Muppet! CR: OK. I think I figured it out. Energizing. Terl: Ah ha! Oh! (he ducks from a blast from the 9000) Zod: What the hell?? NC: Shit! Zod: Fill his dangly bits with holes! NC: CR!!! Zod: Shoot him! NC: Oh, for God's sake, CR!!! Lupa: Critic! CR: Well, you're welcome. (NC smacks him) Ow, bitch! Terl: Ha ha. Got you now, Rat-Brain! How are you gonna get out of this one? (Paw and Todd point their guns at him; after a few beats, Terl timidly replies:) Beam me back. NC: (v/o) Guess what, buckaroos? Snob: Our weapons are back online. NC: Our weapons are back online. Snob: And I know how to use them. NC: And he knows how to use them. Snob: Unlike the idiot who put sugar in the laser banks. NC: Fire when ready! Luke: No! Zod: Vamonos! NC: What else could happen? (Spoony falls down on him) I hate sci-fi!
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