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| - Davis was born in Upper Lowingham in Haddockshire, to parents who were constituted principally of fungus. Davis has since commented on their unusual upbringing, saying "While other parents were teaching their kids how to ride a bike, mine were naturally leaning towards any sources of light and producing energy via oxidative photophosphorylation... I think that's why snooker has always come so naturally to me." Though snooker pundits such as John Virgo often bully him by leaving bags of mushrooms and fecal matter in his locker along with notes that read "MUSHROOM BENDING FAGGOT DIE IN A FIRE" and a picture of Davis being crucified by Jim Davidson, Davis is always quick to brush off any criticisms, especially since he is a fortieth-Dan Black Belt in the martial art of Snooker Cue Skullcuntery. Davis shot to fame after winning the International Pro Super-Master Snooker final against legendary Snooker-playing satellite dish, Dennis Taylor. There was outcry over the "strong-arm" tactics Davis used to win; as the referee was racking the balls during each odd-numbered frame, Davis would strip himself down to his ceremonial loincloth, daub tribal markings on his chest in the blood of a pig he had just slaughtered, and perform a ritual dance on the top edge of the table. Taylor's nipples started visibly emitting Polyfilla during the seventeenth frame, after which he failed to win a single point. Following the match, Davis said "You have to do what it takes to win, and if I have to force Dennis Taylor to contract major skin failure to win, then so be it." Davis has been in a relationship with his fiancée Uma Hatred for nearly seven years. He attempted to marry her in 2004; however, due to a clerical error at the registry office, Davis ended up being officially married to Steve Davis. Davis subsequently took the case to court to try to get the marriage annulled, but ended up agreeing to pay Steve Davis £20,000 in damages after a sex tape appeared on the Internet showing the couple in a one-in-a-bed romp. Thus far he has declined to comment on the video, although Willie Thorne has gone on record as saying "I thrashed one out to it, and when my mighty beef rifle ejected my man salad, it spelled out the word "CORNFACE". This can mean only one thing: the Apocalypse is upon us." A run of bad form in 2005 lead to Davis sinking into deep depression, which inevitably lead to alcoholism, drug abuse and terminal death. However in a secret pact made with Death (who was actually former snooker player, and carp fisherman, Alex Higgins), Davis' soul was swapped for Jim Davidson's who was left to entertain the damned hell spawns for all eternity with witty punchlines and hilarious gags. Overly made up and showing the effects of an insanely prolonged Domestos and Red Bull binge, Davis cut a sad figure at the 2006 World Championships where he embarrassingly went down 10-6 to Mike Hallett in the first qualifying round. When he returned to his Canvey Island home after the match he discovered that DJ Paul Gambacinni had stolen his legendary Northern Soul 7 Inch collection in its entirety. "This is the worst day of my life" claimed a tearful Davis. However, two days later he was proven wrong, after a tabloid journalist caught him wanking off Elton John and a goose in a small farm in Italy. The following day's Sun was the first newspaper to use four headlines for the same cover story, as the editing staff had an fracas regarding whose pun was best, and also whether Shane had stolen Tyrisa's bottle of White Ace and pack of Richmond superkings "with a lighter with them lights in it what light up when you press it and makes a sound".
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