| abstract
| - Dr. Harry Uberdanct David Franter/Jeremy Turnackle Patient/Secretary of health UNCOUTH UBERDANCT A play by Andrew Wood SCENE 1: A DOCTOR’S OFFICE. DR. HARRY UBERDANCT SAT AT HIS DESK, PAPERS AND A STETHOSCOPE FREQUENT HIS DESK, PRIDE OF PLACE, A PICTURE OF HIS WIFE. A BED AT THE BACK WALL. LIGHT SHINING THROUGH THE BLIND-CLAD WINDOW DR HARRY UBERDANCT BUZZES HIS ASSISTANT. UBERDANCT: Sarah, Send another one of them through. HE SORTS SOME FILES ABOUT, SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING, ENTER DAVID FRANTER, HE OBSERVES UBERDANCT SEARCHING. DAVID: Dr. Harry Uberdanct I presume. UBERDANCT: (startled) Oh, yes, David Franter? I’m sorry I can’t seem to find you’re file. DAVID: Oh, I’m a new patient, I brought my file with me. UBERDANCT: Ah, did you have a public doctor before? DAVID: Yes, Dr. Jack Thurnbracker, did you know him? UBERDANCT: Oh, him, a frightful idiot! DAVID: Idiot? He’s got four diplomas? UBERDANCT: (looking in his drawer) in our profession Mr. Franter, It’s not diplomas that count it’s the saving lives. (pulls out a Newton’s cradle and sets it going) Now. What made you go private? DAVID: I just wondered if the quality of the doctoring was any better. UBERDANCT: I should think so, you’re paying for this. DAVID: Yes. UBERDANCT: (after a long staring pause) Let me just check your medical history. DAVID: I brought my Anti-coagulants. UBERDANCT: (reading) Why is she sick as well? (reads, and speaks before David can correct him) Ah, You have a history of Osteoporosis. Are your eyes better now? DAVID: I… I beg you’re pardon? UBERDANCT: (forces laugher) Never mind, a… a little in-joke there. Just between us doc’s. And I see you’ve had you’re appendix out, so, just the one then? DAVID: you only have one anyway! UBERDANCT: (forces a laugh again) another In-joke, (laughs) oh, that one’s a riot at parties. Anyway, Now, What seems to be the problem? DAVID: Well, I was hoping you could answer that. UBERDANCT: Fair enough, lets start at the beginning. When did the symptoms occur? DAVID: It started around Wednesday last week. It started off as an innocent cough. You, know, how it does. UBERDANCT: An innocent cough? There’s no such thing like an innocent cough, just like there’s no such thing as an innocent bite of raw chicken. So, you, like a total buffoon, ignored the cough. Then what happened. DAVID: Then I sort of came down with a fever, I thought I’d sweat it out, you know, see if it were one of those twenty-four hour bugs. UBERDANCT: Yes, yes, them mosquitoes are a right pain. Well, let me think. Nothing really comes to mind. Anything else. DAVID: Blocked nose and fever, especially over the weekend. UBERDANCT: Well, this is getting more mysterious by the second! I am baffled! (gets out a sphygmomanometer, and wraps it round David’s arm) This little thing should do the trick. (he pumps it for a few seconds) Ye-e-ep, Just as I suspected… …It’s broken. DAVID: Do you have any idea of what it could be? UBERDANCT: (turns to look out the window) Well, in my many years of professional doctoring, I’ve never come across such an odd ailment, fever, aches, blocked nose, coughing, all in one. I’d go as far to say the bubonic plague is coming back. DAVID: That’s a rather strong suggestion isn’t it. UBERDANCT: Ah, but an accurate one. There have been a few reported cases. Mostly, sadly to say, among the elderly. DAVID: It is nearing winter, maybe they’re just getting colds. UBERDANCT: Well, of course they’re getting cold if it's winter. The question is, what makes them ache and quiver in their slippers? DAVID: May I also point out, I do get frequent headaches UBERDANCT: (Turns sharply to David) Headaches? Another sign of the bubonic plague. A bad sign, a bad sign. Let me examine you’re head. (he picks up the stethoscope and listens to David’s head.) DAVID: What do you expect to hear? UBERDANCT: Shh! (listens intently) – well, I can’t seem to hear you’re brain malfunctioning. DAVID: Why? Should it be? UBERDANCT: Oh, Lord no! Can you imagine if it was! (he takes an ear examining thing and peers into his left ear) Hmm, You seem to be the dark-headed type. But everything in there seems in working order, nothing is out of place. DAVID: Where you examining my cochlea UBERDANCT: I don’t think you’re quite thinking of the ear there. DAVID: Look, is there anyway we could get to some idea of a diagnosis any time soon? UBERDANCT: Yes. I think you have simply got a case of Dolens Somes Syndrome. DAVID: Dolens Somes? I don’t think I’ve heard of it. UBERDANCT: Oh, it’s a frightfully common ailment, like ones head is stuffed with marshmallows. DAVID: Oh. Right. Now you have answered my questions, Dr. Harry Uberdanct. I was wondering if I could ask you some more. UBERDANCT: You’ve not got the chillies as well, have you? DAVID: My first question, Uberdanct, is, what is Dolens Somes Syndrome? UBERDANCT: I just told you. DAVID: I don’t think you’re being entirely honest with me, are you, Dr. Uberdanct. Because I happen to know that Dolens Somes is Latin for Painful Body. UBERDANCT: ah, a classics graduate obviously, nevertheless, take 30 milligrams of Cascara Phenolphthaline, three times a day. That should clear you out. DAVID: Damn right it would, it’s a laxative! UBERDANCT: So? DAVID: Where are you’re Qualifications, Dr. Uberdanct. UBERDANCT: (annoyed) Look, Mr. Franter, I am the doctor, you are the patient, you do as I say, or the consequences will be dire. DAVID: WRONG! You are the doctor, I am the secretary of health in this constituency. UBERDANCT: Jeremy Turnackle? Had I known it was you I… JEREMY: No excuses Uberdanct. I had a few complaints about you, I dismissed them, but thought them worthy of investigation. You have brought shame upon my post after you have been allowed to practise you’re foul doctrines in my diocese. The list of ridiculous diagnoses, the call after call of patient wanting a second opinion. UBERDANCT: I have done my best to help the people of this town. JEREMY: One woman came to you after complaining of inability to pass solid waste. What was your diagnosis…? Botty quivers. What on God’s green earth made you say that. Then, For medication, what did you prescribe. UBERDANCT: Well, I was using dumbed down terminology, I obviously set her straight with some laxatives. JEREMY: You would think so wouldn’t you, but no! You sent her to the Pharmacy to get two weeks course of Extra strong mints. You are a disgrace to doctors everywhere. You never even graduated from a university. UBERDANCT: I took an online course in medicine, and I passed that. JEREMY: That doesn’t mean anything. Anyway, Now I’ve seen enough, I’ve come to shut you down. UBERDANCT: Look, have I actually ever killed anyone? JEREMY: (pause) YES! And the less said about that the better. It took us ages to find a new mayor. All the election planning and… anyway. I want you to pack you’re things, Uberdanct, or I’ll have you arrested. HE MAKES TO LEAVE. UBERDANCT: surely, you don’t mean to take my lively hood away from me. It’s the only thing I have to keep me on track. JEREMY: As harsh as it seems, I can’t have you cavorting around pretending to be a doctor. You’re going to kill people… again. You’re a danger to the people of this town, and a cheap con-man. UBERDANCT: Hey, I am not cheap! JEREMY: And don’t I bloody know it! That’s another thing someone complained about, Geraldine Cooper told you she had toothache, you looked at her mouth through a toilet-roll tube covered in tin-foil for a minute, told her she had toothache and charged her 80 quid! UBERDANCT: I’ve got to make a living. JEREMY: If you want to make a dishonest living, you could have at least sold poetry that doesn’t rhyme, or paintings that are made out of cow-pats, but this is a serious business, and you’re dealing with peoples health and lives. What you are doing is dangerous. UBERDANCT: But it’s all I’ve ever known. I am no good at figures, I was a failure, My mother was too embarrassed, she was a University lecturer, on quantum physics, and, she disowned me when she heard I failed O-level Science. My father was a composer, have you ever heard ‘Symphony of the Sewer System’? It was a floater in the 1920’s charts for 16 weeks. JEREMY: Can’t say that I have had the pleasure. What I suggest is you go and look for a proper job. Get an apprenticeship, go to University. You mustn’t carry on with this profession. UBERDANCT: wait a minute, I’m deceitful and a liar, could I not get a job on the council? JEREMY: Watch it. UBERDANCT: Yes, You are right. I suppose it is time for me to stop living a lie, I never meant to hurt anyone by what I did. I did want to help people. I shall try and find a proper job. Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways. JEREMY: Good. I’m glad you finally see it my way. I shall be off. And I wish you every success in finding a new career. Because, as I know, all too well myself, when you put you’re mind to it, the unachievable is simple. Or words to that effect. I wish to see this place shut down by tomorrow. UBERDANCT: You have my word. EXIT JEREMY. UBERDANCT WALKS AROUND HIS TABLE AND SITS. HE SIGHS. LONG PAUSE. HE SORTS SOME PAPER. LONG PAUSE, HE READS THE PAPER. UBERDANCT: Oh! Excellent, The next one is a vasectomy! (he pulls a hack saw into view, and he buzzes) NNEEXXTT!!!!!! CURTAIN
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