This is the first time I've ever written a review for anything anywhere, so please let me know if it has a review type feel throughout. Also be as critical as you possibly can be. I want this to be a solid entry into UnReviews. 17:06, August 12, 2010 (UTC) I don't know if I'll be able to get this quite in-depth, but I'll book it so no one steals it.-- 07:14, September 14, 2010 (UTC)
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| - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:John Lydon/Back To The Future
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| - This is the first time I've ever written a review for anything anywhere, so please let me know if it has a review type feel throughout. Also be as critical as you possibly can be. I want this to be a solid entry into UnReviews. 17:06, August 12, 2010 (UTC) I don't know if I'll be able to get this quite in-depth, but I'll book it so no one steals it.-- 07:14, September 14, 2010 (UTC)
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| - In one sense, you article is written very well. But you asked whether it had a review feel throughout. My answer would have to be a no. As I said in the humor section, you have basically just detailed what happened. The main parts that feel like a review, are obviously the introduction and ending. But it’s ok. It’s a pit fall that I’ve seen many reviewers fall into. Well, three actually. Including me.
So, what you’ve got to add to your story a bit. You can always add comments on how good the graphics are, how hard it is. Is it believable? Are you enjoying it? I think this is a really big thing you’ve got to concentrate on – mix in your story with comments and interruptions, make it more review type.
Now, onto formatting. A few problems here. First of all, the screen shots. You may need to help out their formatting a bit – they’re a bit muddled around, and in uneven spots. Your end title screen, ‘A John Lydon Retro Review’, also needs to be bigger.
I think on of the big problems is your links. Some paragraphs are full of links, while others have none. Try and spread them out a bit. Also, you have also missed a lot of chances to make some funny redirects. Linking ‘Gamers’ to ‘Idiots’ and so forth.
I think this section is probably your article’s weakness.
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| - The images are great – they are easily one of the best parts of the article. They fit perfectly. I’d love to see captions, but I think thumbnails wouldn’t look very good. Test it out to see what you can do with them.
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| - This completely wacky game is a perfect concept for a good article. Is that how the real levels actually are?
You have used this concept very well, but there are still improvements to be made, as I went into above. You will also have to work a bit on staying stuck on the review feel.
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| - Hey there, John! I can’t believe I’m actually reviewing a review here, but this has been on the queue for so long it just has to go. Let’s get on with it, shall we?
This definitely has some good humor in it. Reviews are good material to get laughs from, and when you’re dealing with a crappy game like this, it is certain there is going to be some good stuff here. The repetition is good here and I chuckled a few times. So, good work overall. But… there is always room for improvement, and I can see the things that need to be improved here.
First, I’m going to go through each section in your article, as there are a few things that apply to specific sections. Let’s do it…
*Intro: A few little things here. First of all, your introduction takes place AFTER you have played the game, yet your article is set in present tense. This is a bit annoying for the reader. In this section you may also want to explain a bit more about the game too.
*Welcome to Hill Valley: I like the idea here but I didn’t quite find it as funny as it could be. Maybe you could add something like “It’s less responsive than that time my keyboard filled with dirt – fuck that was annoying.” Something along those lines, anyway. Or maybe he tries to play, gets killed, and gets really frustrated? I don’t know. This just needs a bit more work.
*Level 1: This doesn’t drag, it’s very catchy. Not much you need to improve here.
*The Baddies: I know you can get a bit more humor out of this. Basically all you’ve done is talk about the various baddies as if they are just plain stupid. Well, they are, actually, but that’s not may point. You can do much more with this, because as this is a review, you have a wide range of different humor techniques to add to the silly ideas you have here.
*Failed attempts: Actually, it kind of felt disappointing that the reviewer was almost there and then just stuffed it up again. I think you could make a better ending for the impossibly hard stage 1.
*Lou’s Café: Nothing big to improve with this one.
*Level 3: A few little things here. First, I think you should change the title to ‘The streets again’ or something along those lines. This would go well with the last line of the previous paragraph – “At least the stupid streets are a thing of the past.” Also, even though the idea of talking about Groundhog’s Day is actually a really good idea, for me it kind of breaks the flow of the article, and doesn’t quite fit in where it is. This is a god idea, so you could move it into another part of the game, but just not here.
*Level 4: Yes, this is good. It’s kind of hurt by the fact that there are no screenshots, but as that is part of the idea, it’ll have to stay that way.
*Level 6: Once again, I think this could be improved by things I have to say later in the review, but otherwise this is good.
*Level 8: Well, why haven’t you told us what actually happened? Did the reviewer finish the game? Did he die multiple times? WHAT HAPPENED? You did this in Monster Party too – you get to the grand finale and you don’t tell us the details.
*Conclusion: Good! A nice little conclusion.
That was basically al the small things – bits and pieces that applied to only one section. But I have one last comment here. What I find with your article is you have detailed what happened in the game. It can definitely be funny at times, but purely because of the weirdness of the game itself, and you criticize it, in a very colloquial style of way. It’s like when you’re writing about comedy – you could just write the plot of the stories and it would be a funny article. But that’s not what Uncyclopedia articles are about. We’re here to parody things. That’s why I want you to try to add some different techniques of humor into your article – you can insult the game, add short anecdotes and interruptions… you are a good writer and I know I will not have to go into this too much for you to get the idea.
But that’s the big point to do with humor here, so try and work on that. I might have been a bit harsh with the score, but I know there is definitely a lot of room to add a lot more humor into this.
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| - I still think this needs a bit of work before it is ready for VFH and such. But if you concentrate of the improvements, and I know you can, then this will be a top notch article. I hope this has helped!
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| - This is the first time I've ever written a review for anything anywhere, so please let me know if it has a review type feel throughout. Also be as critical as you possibly can be. I want this to be a solid entry into UnReviews. 17:06, August 12, 2010 (UTC) I don't know if I'll be able to get this quite in-depth, but I'll book it so no one steals it.-- 07:14, September 14, 2010 (UTC)
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