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| - To the chagrin of his father, King Asshat I, Bashar was conceived after a passionless one night stand. He dropped out of his mother's vagina nine months later in Damascus and his mother unhesitatingly granted full custody to his father the King, reasoning that she already had thirty-seven burdening children with forty different members of the Syrian Ba'ath Party to take care of. Asshat was educated at Prop A. Ghanda Primary School, Megalomania Middle School, and finally, at Damascuses prestigious Jenna Side high school. He received excellent marks in his AP Despotism and Syrian Gov't 101 classes, but failed dismally in his Humanism, Ethics, and AP Physics courses. After high school Asshat worked at a Damascus Wal Mart for six years. Despite brutal work conditions, Asshat quickly rose to the position of assistant manager on the night shift. He quit out of disgust in his sixth year upon learning that Wal Mart employees in America could afford shoes and were allowed lunch breaks. Having failed to acquaint himself with the female genitalia in high school, Asshat went on to study obstetrics at Damascus University in the late 80's. He traveled to London to continue his studies and befriended Margaret Thatcher during his stay. He returned to Syria in 1994 after the death of his older brother Basil, who fractured his skull in an intense game of badminton. Basil, not Bashar, had been next in the royal line to the throne, so this tragedy forced Bashar to uproot his life and begin preparing for royal life. His father sent him to Baghdad to study under Uncle Saddam to ensure he would be properly corrupted and Ba'athtized by the time he became King. After several years of studying he returned to Damascus with an iron fist but an unimpressive mustache. In mid-2000, Asshat learned of an inherited allergy to latex when his father died suddenly in a femdom BDSM session. He was immediately appointed leader of the Baath-Party and the Army. According to the Syrian Constitution at the time, he was not old enough to be King. Thankfully the Syrian Parliament swiftly voted to lower the minimum age for eligibility from 40 to 34 (Asshat's age when he acquired the throne). He was crowned King on June 10th. Many were worried that Asshat would lack the political experience to make a great tyrant like his father. After all, his only public office was head of the Syrian Computer Society, whose greatest success under his leadership was the introduction of the VHS player to Syrians in 2008. Unfortunately, Asshat didn't care about these criticisms.
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