| abstract
| - "Sexy Bitch" is a song by Inda "DJ" Dick-ass and it features Akon. Ya know Akon, right? Who doesn't, unfortunately? Sexy Bitch was nominated for a One of the Worst Songs of the Year award but it lost to "3" by Britney Spears. Instead, it won the Worst Song of the Fucking Century, Bitch award.
- Todd: I don't like Akon. Video for "Smack That" Ft. Eminem Akon: Smack that, all on the floor Smack that, give me some more Todd (VO): And when I say I don't like Akon, that doesn't necessarily mean I hate his music, but it does mean that I think he's just an awful human being. Like "soul full of gunk, termites in his smile" kind of awful, that's what I'm talking about here. Todd: And it definitely does come through in his music. Even his quote-unquote "nice songs," they make him sound like he's a colossal tool once you actually sit down and really listen to him. Videos for each of the following: (Subtitle: Song: "Don't Matter") Akon: Tellin' you all those lies just to get on your side But I must admit there was a couple secrets I held inside But just know that I tried... (Hidden meaning: I'm a lying, cheating, untrustworthy bastard) (Song: "Sorry, Blame It On Me") Akon: ...my fans I'll take that blame Even though the blame's on you Even though the... (Hidden meaning: Screw you!) (Song: "I Wanna Fuck You") Ft. Snoop Dogg Akon: ...see me lookin' at you when you already know I wanna fuck you, you already know... (Hidden meaning: I wanna fuck you) Todd (VO): There, you see what I mean? Todd: He seems like just this unpleasant dude to be around, and I'll be happy when his career is over, quite honestly. For the moment, however, the public still can't get enough of this keening jerk's off-key, whiny vocals, which means I have to sit here and endure his newest smash hit, "Sexy Chick." Video for "Sexy Bitch" Akon: Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl Todd: [pulls a paper out of his pocket] Mine says "chick." This says "Sexy Chick." Akon: Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl Todd: What? Profanity?! This shall not stand! I demand we go back to the edited version so that I might protect my ears from this controversial lyric! Akon: Damn you's a sexy chick, a sexy chick... Todd (VO): Ooohh, big controversy, changed one word. Whoop-de-doo. I remember ten years ago, we had big hit songs from Eminem, Jay-Z, DMX– they were so filthy, half the song would be missing. You kids today are sheltered. Black card: Now, the video, on the other hand... Akon: ...a sexy chick Damn... Back to video Akon: ...the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful... Todd (VO): [As black "censored" stickers appear over the video] Even judging by music video standards, this is pretty shameless. This is pretty close to just being pornography basically. It's...it's incredibly distracting, I'll admit. But I'm not here to talk about the bad music video. I always thought it should be about the bad music, man. Todd: Now, structurally, "Sexy...Chick" consists of a single verse which repeats and doesn't change, a pre-chorus which also doesn't change, and a chorus that consists of a single repeating line. Now that's a very small amount of space to fit in a very large amount of stupid, but don't think they can't do it. They did it. Akon: Yes I can see her... Todd (VO): So here's the plot, you could call it, of the song. Akon notices a very attractive woman at church. Todd: Or in the club. One or the other, I can't remember which. Todd (VO): And he's really impressed with her, compared to other women. Akon: Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore... Todd: And he wants to say just the right thing to her. Akon: I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful... Todd: And after racking his brain, what does he come up with? Akon: Damn, you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch Hidden meaning: I'm a moron! Todd: That's seriously what he comes up with. That's all he can think of. You could point your finger at random words in the dictionary and come up with a better three syllables than Akon did here. Matter of fact, here's a small list of phrases that would be an improvement over what Akon came up with. Todd (VO): It's not even impressive in a macho, thug-lover kind of way. "Sexy Bitch" is something girls get called by their gay best friends in romantic comedies, and I don't think that's what Akon was trying for here. [Slow motion portion of video with Akon and Guetta hugging] Yeah, that's not helping. Spinning dancer Akon: Damn girl! Todd: Nor is that really. Spinning dancer Akon: Damn girl! Todd (VO): Oh, this is great too. He's not just complimenting this girl, he's defending her honor. Akon: They say she low down, it's just a rumor and i don't believe em. Todd: (a la Shakespeare) How dare thou stain mine good lady's name. Her, the most sexiest of all bi-atches. Todd (VO): Well in any case, now we know what Akon thinks of women he likes... Akon: ...sexy bitch, a sexy bitch... Todd: ...and women he doesn't. Akon: ...compare to your neighborhood whore Todd: Now there's a famous psychological term—the "virgin-whore complex"—wherein certain men can only think of women as either perfectly pure or a complete nasty skank-ho. Akon, however, seemed to have something a bit different. [Subtitle: bitch-whore complex. Todd sees this.] Fix that. [Subtitle now reads 'chick-whore complex'.] There we go. Todd (VO): Okay, now everything I've said up to this point, I'm prepared to throw all of it out the window. I'm willing to negate all of these criticisms because I've clearly missed the point. Todd: I've obviously missed the fact that this is clearly a joke. It's not meant to be taken seriously. It's a joke, it's a satire. It's a satire of Akon's poor verbal skill, is what this is...or it's a tragedy. It's a tragic tale of a guy who really wants to look cool in front of this girl, but then fails because of his pathetically limited vocabulary. I mean, that's what's going on here, because no one could possibly come up with something this stupid if it wasn't on purpose. No one honestly tries to not be "disrespectful," and then calls somebody a sexy bitch. No one's that stupid. No one. Right? Todd (VO): Here's another thing: whose idea was it to make reedy, nasally Akon try and sing a whole song in his lower register? Akon: Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch Damn you's a sexy bitch... Todd: I know Nate Dogg. Nate Dogg's a friend of mine, and you, sir, are no Nate Dogg. Video for Nate Dogg & Eminem - "Shake That" Nate Dogg: 3 to the 1 from the 1 to the 3 I met a bad bitch last night at the D Let me tell you how I made her leave with me Conversation and hennessy Todd: That is how it's done, amigo. Todd (VO): Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is not an Akon song, this is a David Guetta song featuring Akon. Todd: And I gotta assume that "David Guetta" is short for "David, get a better producer to work on this," because this beat sucks! It sounds like it was transplanted directly from a bad [clip of Vengaboys - "We Like to Party"] Eurodance single in the mid-90s, but without any of the ridiculous sugar-high happiness, which was the only saving grace of that genre. And I don't know what you call this kind of music now either. The house...trance...high energy, I don't know. All I know is that I hate it. I hate this kind of music. Sorry, ravers. Would rather nail my feet to the side of a moving car than listen to it. Also, David Guetta, no. [single cover] If you're a producer, you have to earn putting your name in front of the little featuring sign. Timbaland had a decade of hits before he tried to sell himself as a solo artist. So I don't care if you're kind of a big deal in Europe or whatever, you have to actually have some hits in America first before you try this, and I don't think this guy's worked on a single song I would recognize. Video: Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling, Prod. by David Guetta will.i.am: I gotta feeling... Todd (VO): Oh, really. I didn't know that. I actually really like that song. It sure wasn't because of the lyrics. Peas: Mazel tov! Fergie: L'Chaim! Todd (VO): Oh, except for that. That never gets old. Todd: But even though I did like "I Gotta Feeling," I'll admit you could maybe call it a little repetitive. Peas: Let's do it (do it) do it (do it)... Todd: Yeah, but at least they were repeating something besides "sexy b..." Akon: Chiiiick... Todd: In case I haven't made this clear, I think this song is a f... Akon: Chiiiick... Todd: ...ing piece of dog sh... Akon: Chiiiick Todd: And I have no idea why anyone listens to it, even by the low, low standards of dance music, and I've spent God knows how long studying it. I mean, that's just...one of those things that makes you really just feel bad about what you done with your life, you know? So that's all, good night, I'm gonna go read some classic literature or something. See ya. Todd: Hey, shut up!
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