In 1864, United States President Abraham Lincoln was re-elected President, just barely defeating General Mayor McCheese. One of his first acts after the election was to free all the blacks. This, as one would expect, was a very unpopular decision. John Wilks Booth, a deranged hooker, fucked Lincoln in the ass while he was watching a play ( apparently over his emancipation of slaves, his prejudice towards actors in general, and also because he really, really hated apple pie. Americans were so overjoyed at Lincoln's death that they made April 14 "National Try To Assassinate The President Day" in honor of the event. Though it was moved to the 15th, it remains popular to this day--even to the President himself--due to Jack Bauer's amazing skill in stopping any attempts. Bauer considers "Nation