Matt Stairs was born in 1921 to a group of eskimos in Nunavut Territory, Canada. As a child, his primary hobby was bashing seals to death using a wooden club. However, at the age of 15, he got tired of being a stereotypical Canadian and planned a bold scheme to get into the U.S. After walking several hundred miles, he arrived at the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. There, he purchased a barrel of stout from a local brewery. After drinking all of the beer and squeezing himself into the now empty barrel, he started to roll through a parking lot near the falls. Chased by a pair of overweight mounties, he finally fell into the falls. However, failure to research currents kept Stairs in Canada, as the barrel turned and flowed to the north, toward Quebec. He finally escaped the barrel when it ram