Fruitcakes, you say? Sure, I'll tell you about fruitcakes. It's a lot to tell, though, so hunker down and grab yourself a lemon cherry smoothie, it's going to be a bumpy ride. First off, fruitcakes are very dangerous things. They come into towns in the middle of the night and roam the streets, looking for loose women and children to kidnap and feed themselves to. This is a terrible, terrible crime that you should never do. Fruitcakes are horrible things to eat, but still they force themselves onto others to make them angry/sad/want to brush their teeth really, really hard.