In the beginning, there was a beginner's guide. In the beginner's guide, there was a rule. The rule generally advises people contributing to Uncyclopedia to be Funny and NOT stupid. This is a DIRE mistake. Something this catastrophic can not be left unheeded. What the DIRE circumstances demand, is a DIRE solution. So without further ado, I present, The unfathomable, The abominable, The inedible, Beginner's guide to being stupid and not funny.