According to a Colbert Report Special Report on the crumbelievability of contemporary American culture, cable television is destroying The American Family by offering too many choices in television viewing options. No longer does the family have to gather around the TV to enjoy the same shows together. For example, we all remember where we were when Kennedy was shot, but no one shoots Kennedy anymore. But wait! Even Lt. Barkers has his own channel: Animal Planet, where he's been learning how to take down a zebra. Oh no, Sally, watch out! Are you happy cable? She's dead.