Contrary to popular belief, the Jesus stick is not named after Jesus Christ, but rather Jesus Christ is named after the Jesus stick. The stick's name actually comes from Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd, a legendary Aztec warrior renowned for his ass-beating skills. Emanuel never killed his challengers; instead, he would leave them with severe brain damage and convince them to do his bidding, which usually involved creating giant piles of rocks for no particular reason. When Emanuel passed away at the age of 364, he left his stick to his first-born son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd, whom he named after his father. Emanuel the 2nd carried the stick for several years, but after a rather unsettling encounter with six midgets and a Guatemalan hooker, he vowed never to use the