In order to become Queen of the exercise yard you must first get there. This has become progressively more difficult in recent years. In the past merely looking like me was reason to be sent to prison, not anymore thanks to those fucking liberals. These days you need to shock people into sending you there. Murder is ok for sick bastards, or those wanting a long stay. However the casual seeker of convict action should consider committing less serious offences, rape a goat that’ll get you there, no problems. Alternatives include stealing the Archbishop of Canterbury’s best rent boy or “Intimate secretary” to give him his formal title. And if stealing Cole Porter from the Bishop doesn’t work then I don’t know what will.