Phillip was born in Lancashire, England on April 1st, 1941. A prodigy in pre-school education, he could spell his own name by his second birthday, recite entire Disney film scripts (including stage directions) two months later, and became one of the leading active members of the local "Nazis in Nappies Political Playgroup" at age three. His intelligence reached its peak at six, however, when a drunken night in a toilet left him and three friends sprawled across the handlebars of a four-seated tricycle facing charges of gang rape and speeding in the urinal aisle. Suffering mild brain damage, his jet black hair began to show the earliest signs of ATPW (Adorable TV Presenter Whiteness), a condition that has haunted him and other UK stars like Robert Kilroy-Silk and Des Lynam to this day, most