Real name Simon Valerie Moorhead, Tort is a 20 year old useless Calamity employee. Known best for being dimwitted and looking for love in all the wrong places, Tort has never been known for moderation, having four children, several addictions, and quite a few lovers at the same time. He's a constant failure at life, a huge coward and a crybaby, and has an unusual ability to re-grow "that certain part of the male body".