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Muscle Woman/Transcript

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Rigby: WHOOO! Done! (reveals bush to be square-shaped) In your face, bush! (to Mordecai) Hmph! Hmph! Looks like you've got a waste to go there, guy! Mordecai: Not as much as Muscle Man over there. ('Muscle Man has a huge heap of a hedge to trim) He barely touched that hedge. Mordecai: Hey, Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? (Muscle Man weeps again) Rigby: Dude, are you crying? Muscle Man: No! Crying's for ladies, like you! I don't cry! Rigby: Dude, he's been in there for hours. Mordecai: Muscle Man. Muscle Man! Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying? Benson: Me.

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Rigby: WHOOO! Done! (reveals bush to be square-shaped) In your face, bush! (to Mordecai) Hmph! Hmph! Looks like you've got a waste to go there, guy! Mordecai: Not as much as Muscle Man over there. ('Muscle Man has a huge heap of a hedge to trim) He barely touched that hedge. Mordecai: Hey, Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? (Muscle Man weeps again) Rigby: Dude, are you crying? Muscle Man: No! Crying's for ladies, like you! I don't cry! Rigby: Dude, he's been in there for hours. Mordecai: Muscle Man. Muscle Man! Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying? Muscle Man: No! It's... it's just the sound of the water hitting the drain! Mordecai: Dude, what's wrong with him? Hi Five Ghost: His girlfriend, Starla dumped him last night. Rigby: What? Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk. Mordecai: Muscle Man, just come out. We can talk about it if you want. Muscle Man: No! I don't talk about my feelings with anyone! Leave me alone! Rigby: No use, man. Let's let Benson deal with him. Benson: So it's come to my attention that Muscle Man's been dumped. And he can't do his job because, I don't know, he's sad or something. So guess what? You two clowns are gonna pick up his work for today! Mordecai: Aw, what? I'm always sad. Rigby: I'm sad right now. Mordecai: Can we get time off too? Benson: File a request with human resources. Rigby: OK, who's the HR guy? Benson: Me. Mordecai: So... can we? Benson: No. OK, let's see what we got here... Benson: Task Number One: Dig out the rotting stumps from the picnic area. Watch out for hornets' nests. (Mordecai and Rigby are wrenching out a stump when a nest of hornets attacks them) Task Number Two: that guy who thinks he's a knight is back. (Brandishing shovels, Mordecai and Rigby are avoiding trash thrown by the knight) He's built a castle out of old mattresses at the creek. Get him out of there! And finally, there's the daily maintenance of the park rock garden. (Mordecai and Rigby are standing on tiny stumps in a manicured sand box, sweeping it carefully.) Rigby: Augh! This is impossible! Mordecai: Who knew Muscle Man was responsible for so much stuff? We gotta convince him to start working again. Rigby: Yeah! Why should we do his work? Mordecai: Alright, let's do it. Rigby: I won't miss this job. Raking that sand took... Mordecai and Rigby: Nooooo! Mordecai: Dude, you gotta snap out of it. Benson is making us do all your work! Muscle Man: I can't work. I'm busy stuffing my face hole! Mordecai: Look, I know you're upset, but you gotta move on. Muscle Man: I'm not upset! I'm... I'm... (Muscle Man breaks down in tears, which soon become high-pitched wails. Mordecai and Rigby watch with eyebrows raised before Mordecai places his wing on Muscle Man's shoulder to comfort him) Mordecai: Come on, dude. There's plenty of fish in the sea. (Mordecai gets up and follows them from the room) Mordecai: Alright, Muscle Man. Grocery stores have tons of available women. Muscle Man: I don't know, Mordecai. None of these ladies are as hot as Starla. Mordecai: Dude, man up! Check this out: that girl is single. (A pretty young woman is pushing a shopping cart nearby) Muscle Man: How can you tell? Mordecai: Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup, and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what are you waiting for? Go get her! Muscle Man: (Approaching the young woman) Uh, hey, you're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to... I can't do this! (Muscle Man rips open his shirt to reveal a STARLA tattoo across his chest) This heart beats for another! (Muscle Man falls to the floor and sobs) Starlaaaaa! Mordecai: Muscle Man. Muscle Man! Rigby: He's never going to come out. There's no way we can help him. Hi Five Ghost: There is one way. We gotta get him back together with Starla. Mordecai: You sure this is where she works? Rigby: Ugh! Everything is all glittery and girl- oof! Starla: Can I help you gentlemen? Mordecai: Uh, do you know a guy by the name of Muscle Man? Big guy, 'bout your build? Starla: Yeah, I know him. I dumped that loser. Mordecai: Yeah, well, he's pretty miserable without you. You should give him another chance. Starla: Hah! I'm not getting back together with him. That's over now. Mordecai: Look, I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human, and he has feelings. We all do. (Inspirational music starts) We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love. Mordecai: ... and that's why I think you should get back together with Muscle Man. Well, I guess we'll be going. Starla: Wait! You. You had such a way with words. Muscle Man never talked to me that way. He didn't like talking about his feelings. But you? You're different. Mordecai: Oh... Will you excuse us for a minute? Mordecai: Aw, sick! Rigby: Ohhhhh! She liked you, she liked you! Mordecai: Dude, shut up! Rigby: Dude, you should totally go out with her! Mordecai: What? Are you serious? I'd rather do Muscle Man's work than date her. Rigby: Dude, if you just play along with it, you can dump her. Then, she'll go running back to Muscle Man for sure. Mordecai: Augh! Alright, one date. Rigby: Better make it three or four just to make sure the dumping takes full effect. Mordecai: Augh! Fine. Mordecai: Uh, do you wanna, um, you know, eugh, go...out? Starla: (throws herself at Mordecai) Yes! Rigby: Dude, did you dump her yet? Mordecai: No. Rigby: Come on, man! Get it over with! I don't wanna do Muscle Man's work anymore. I'm exhausted! Mordecai: I know, I know. I'll dump her. Mordecai: Look, we gotta talk. Starla: (gasp) You got some pie on your lip. I'll get it off! Mordecai: Augh, get offa me! (Mordecai pushes Starla away) Starla: What's wrong, dumplin'? Mordecai: I'll tell you what's wrong. I don't like you. ("like you" echoes four times) I don't think we should see each other anymore. Rigby: Dumped? Mordecai: Dumped. Rigby: How'd she take it? Mordecai: Mmm, she took it well. Mordecai: Come on! Come on, c'mon! Rigby: Go! Go! Mordecai: Hold on! Rigby: Yeah, we did it! She just got tr-rashed! Rigby: Oh no! Go faster! Let's go faster! Step on it! Rigby: Look out! Channel 6 News Helicopter Reporter: We're live at the park, where reports of a crazed woman on a rampage... Mordecai: Muscle Man! Your ex's gone crazy and she's wrecking up the park! Muscle Man: Huh?! Mordecai: Dude, you have to talk to her! Muscle Man: Starla? Mordecai: I guess this is it. Starla: Mordecai! Muscle Man: Babe! I can't stand to see you like this. You gotta stop! Muscle Man: Oh... I guess I'll just go. Mordecai: Dude, Muscle Man! She's right there! Say something to her! Muscle Man: (nervous mumble) I think you're foxy when you break things. Mordecai: No! From here. (Mordecai points to his heart) Muscle Man: (sigh) Starla? Muscle Man: I can understand you're upset. When I look at you, I think of someone I know. Someone who is fragile and vulnerable deep down. Someone who has feelings. That someone is me. Mitch Sorenstein. Starla: Huh? Rigby: (chuckles) His name's Mitch? Muscle Man: I've been so upset since you left me, baby. You're the light of my life. The fire that burns in my heart. The one. Starla. Will you be my Muscle Woman? Starla: Mitch...? Oh, Mitch! Mordecai and Rigby: Aw, sick! Starla: Aw, Mitch! I've never heard you talk about your feelings before! Muscle Man: You know who else doesn't like to talk about her feelings? My Mom! Starla: (laughs) Oh, Mitch! You have the best sense of humor. Muscle Man: Aw yeah, baby. You know I love it when you destroy property. (They kiss again) Mordecai: As much as I wanna vomit right now, those two were made for one another. Rigby: This was the most disturbing day of my life. Mordecai: Yeah. Maybe we should have just done Muscle Man's chores.