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Carter and Tricia/Quotes

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High School English

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How the Griffin Stole Christmas

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:Lois: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery? :Brian: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing. ---- :Joe: I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home. :Brian: But, can't you at least just give me a ride? :Joe: No can do, Amigo. :Brian: Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber. :[Brian calls an Uber and Joe's phone rings] :Joe: Are you Brian? ---- :Co-Worker: Goodnight, Peter. :Peter: Goodnight, gender transitioned co-worker, we had a whole meeting about. ---- :Tricia: Peter, are you sure you heard Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly? He actually said he wanted cheap, toxic materials inserted into the Brewery supply stream? :Peter: Well, his eyes looked different, how he said it, but that was the gist. ---- :Tricia: Mr. Griffin, it sounds like you've brought me an interesting story. What should I do with it, Ollie? :Ollie: MAKE IT NEWS! :Peter: Oh, you've got a standing desk too? :Ollie: SITTING'S BAD! :Peter: I know, they don't wanna hear it though. ---- :Peter: I swear, Mama Tricia. I'm gonna make you the proudest tiger mom of all. Not like how Jesus feels about his kid. :[Cutaway to Jesus and his son, Billy] :Billy: Dad, I got bullied at school. They flipped up my lunch tray. :Jesus: Oh, that sucks. I wonder if that's the worst thing that ever happened to a guy. [takes out a Bible] Whoa. Whoa! Billy, this guy in the book here, he's really getting the business. Yikes! Okay, I'm sorry, what happened at school today? :Billy: You're kind of a dick, dad. :Jesus: Huh, I wonder if there's anyone in here, whose dad was a bigger dick. Wow, crazy! ---- :Tricia: Alright, Peter. It's time to master the game of chess. :Peter: Okay, that shouldn't be too hard. :[Peter tries grabbing a chess piece and Tricia slaps him] :Tricia: No! You will do it in the traditional Japanese way. On a wacky game show, while a beautiful woman beats your scrotum with a reed. :[Cutaway to Peter on a game show, and getting beaten with a reed] :Peter: Ow! I don't know which way the horse goes! [Peter gets hit again and a guy laughs at him] Aaah! Why is that guy laughing at me and where is he? :[A buzzer goes off] :Peter: There was a time limit? Nobody told me that! :Japanese Guy: Time for Good Door Bad Door! :Peter: Wait, how bad is the bad door? :[Fast forward to many years later, Peter is an old amputee, talking to his son] :Peter's Son: Grandpa-san, how bad was the bad door? :Peter: Not too bad, but shorty afterwards, I was almost eaten alive by an escalator. :[Buzzer goes off] :Peter: The game is still going on? :Japanese Guy: Oh, ho, ho. You lose chess. ---- :[Stewie is teaching Brian how to drive] :Stewie: IPDE, Brian, IPDE! :Brian: What? :Stewie: IPDE! Identify, predict, decide, execute. You've got to constantly be IPDEing everything in your target zone. :Brian: I ... I ... I ... I don't know what you're saying. :Stewie: IPDE! Identify, predict, ... :Brian: Yeah, you said that but it doesn't mean any ... :Stewie: IPDE THAT! :Brian: Um, it's a child with a ball. :Stewie: Very good, identify. Now predict. :Brian: Predict what? :Stewie: IPDE! :Brian: You keep saying that like it's a word. Those four letters don't make a word. It's not helping me remember anything. :Stewie: Oh, now you've got an oncoming vehicle. Pay attention to your four to six second zone. :Brian: What? What is that? Four to six second? :Stewie: IPDE the car. IPDE the car! :Brian: What does that mean? :Stewie: Now, check your gages with one eye, while keeping your other eye on the road. :Brian: My eyes go in the same direction. :Stewie: What's your tire pressure? :Brian: I ... I can't ... I don't ... I'm in the car! :Stewie: Stop! [Brian stops the car] Demerit! :Brian: Stewie, I know how to drive. I've been driving for years! :[Another guy drives by] :Guy: Ever hear of IPDE, jackass!? ---- :[Peter craps, orgasms, and barfs, while wearing a suit] :Peter: Aw, crap. THis thing was a rental. :[Cutaway to Peter rushing into the store, throwing the tux in there, and leaving in a hurry] :Peter: Here's your tux back, bye!

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Carter and Tricia