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Dale Carnegie

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Despite his humble beginnings, Dale Carnegie went on to achieve fame and wealth. There is no reason to doubt reports that at age seven, whilst wrestling the Lizo-tron (a gigantic robot composed of sixty tyrannosaurs) he reverse-engineered the human personality algorithm. He published this efficient 290-page COBOL program a week later, under the title “How to Get What You Want, Despite Being a Selfish, Undeserving Weasel, by Pretending to Make Friends with the Human Filth you Associate With”.

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Despite his humble beginnings, Dale Carnegie went on to achieve fame and wealth. There is no reason to doubt reports that at age seven, whilst wrestling the Lizo-tron (a gigantic robot composed of sixty tyrannosaurs) he reverse-engineered the human personality algorithm. He published this efficient 290-page COBOL program a week later, under the title “How to Get What You Want, Despite Being a Selfish, Undeserving Weasel, by Pretending to Make Friends with the Human Filth you Associate With”. When he was twenty-nine years old he revealed himself to be the reincarnation of American super-hero George Washington, by tearing up the Eiffel Tower and hurling it into the sky, spearing the mothership of an otherwise unstoppable force of invading aliens. He now lives in cryo-stasis, awaiting the time that his country needs him again.