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John Stuart Mill

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John Stuart's feats as a child were exceptional; at the age of three he could juggle six chainsaws while standing on one toe and whistling 'Dixie'. By the age of eight he had acquired subscriptions to all the popular philosophical magazines of the day, such as The Plato Post, Wittgenstein Weekly and Playboy. He had also read a great deal of history in English and had been taught that Henry VIII was his father (much to their mutual dismay). A deficiency in his upbringing was observed, however, when he became particularly ill on consumption of half a pint of shandy.

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John Stuart's feats as a child were exceptional; at the age of three he could juggle six chainsaws while standing on one toe and whistling 'Dixie'. By the age of eight he had acquired subscriptions to all the popular philosophical magazines of the day, such as The Plato Post, Wittgenstein Weekly and Playboy. He had also read a great deal of history in English and had been taught that Henry VIII was his father (much to their mutual dismay). A deficiency in his upbringing was observed, however, when he became particularly ill on consumption of half a pint of shandy. A brief summary of his works is, sadly, impossible, given the long-winded and downright ginormous nature of his writing style. However, it is safe to say that at least one philosophy student has committed hari kiri as a direct result of reading one of Mill's great works. In 1862 he got into a fist-fight with Immanuel Kant's zombified corpse. He won the fight by punching a hole through the zombie Kant's over-sized cranium, but suffered several internal inuries. He died in Brest, France in 1873 (reportedly of RSI), and is buried under his wife, Margaret Thatcher. Played sax on Gerry Rafferty's 'Bake Street'