. "Cop and a Half-Wit/Quotes"@en . "Cop and a Half-Wit"@en . "Saturated Fat Guy"@en . . "The Dating Game"@en . ":Joe: Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.\n:Quagmire: That's what they got you doing down there?\n:Joe: Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.\n:Cleveland: You buy special cheese for a gerbil?\n:Joe: Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.\n----\n:Joe: It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee pee.\n:Cleveland: So, you're just erasing cop weiners all day?\n:Joe: Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.\n----\n:Chris: Mom, can I go bare hand raisins from the bulk aisle?\n:Lois: Okay, but if you get caught, just say \"Oopsy poopsy\" like a simpleton.\n----\n:Chris: Is that a Michael Sam jersey?\n:Stewie: Yep, two boy names. Doubly masculine.\n:Brian: Like George Michael?\n:Stewie: Shut up!\n:Brian: Come on, Stewie. Are you still hung up about that woman at the grocery store, thinking you were a girl?\n:Chris: Elton John ... is another.\n:Stewie: It has nothing to do with that, Brian. I just thought it'd be good to take up a sport. You know, like boys do.\n:Brian: You don't have to play football to prove you're a boy.\n:Chris: Barney Frank ... is yet another one.\n:Brian: Chris, please. Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin. There's a bunch of these.\n----\n:Joe: I'm just like any other cop, my wife puts on my pants, one leg at a time.\n----\n:[Chris sees the children's football team]\n:Chris: Wow, so these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow.\n----\n:Brian: Excuse me, Coach Herar ... Herar ... Herara ... Rararara?\n:Coach Herrera: It's Herrera.\n:Brian: Okay, that's a lot of Rs, but listen. I ... I noticed you're not starting Stewie.\n:Coach Herrera: Oh, I can't put him in. I mean, he can come out for limp handshakes at the end of the game, but I can't play him. He's too little.\n:Brian: Little? Oh, like that car you drive over there? Let's see if it looks bigger, when I throw a Sprite at it.\n:[Brian throws his Sprite at the car]\n:Coach Herrera: Well, it's not my car, but I don't care, I'm just a volunteer.\n----\n:Peter: I want a minute in your house with this shopping cart, like Supermarket Sweep. Here, time me.\n:Joe: Peter, you expect me to let you ransack my house?\n:Peter: Well, unless you'd rather I spill the beans to the chief about who's been doing your dirty work.\n:Joe: Okay, go.\n:[Peter runs into the house and starts destroying everything]\n:Peter: [offscreen] Aw, sweet, board games! I'm taking the cannon from your Monopoly.\n:Bonnie: [offscreen] Aaaah! Why is Peter in the house?\n:Joe: It's a police matter, Bonnie!\n:Peter: [offscreen] Hey, how come Kevin's room is locked?\n:Joe: He just wants some privacy!\n:Peter: [offscreen] It's locked from the outside!\n:Joe: Don't open it, Peter!\n:Peter: [offscreen] Hi baby! Hi baby!\n:Joe: Get out of Susie's room!\n:[Peter comes back out]\n:Peter: Your stuff sucks. I didn't need the full minute.\n----\n:[Stewie has a concussion]\n:Stewie: Is anybody gonna answer that telephone?\n:Chris: He keeps thinking the phone is ringing, Brian.\n:Brian: Well, at least he's talking again. I think that means he's getting better.\n:Stewie: Is it day or night? I don't ... I don't care. I just wanna know. LOIS, ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE!\n:Brian: No, no, no! We don't need Lois. [chuckles] Chris, pretend to answer the phone.\n:Chris: Uh ... uh, hello? Okay, yes, one second. MOM, IT'S FOR YOU!\n:Brian: What? No, damn it, Chris! Um, um, ... I'll take that. Hello, this is Brian Griffin. Actually, I already received The New York Times and I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle.\n:Chris: You're bragging to nobody?\n----\n:Bonnie: Joe, is something wrong? I didn't hear you crying in the shower this morning.\n----\n:[Chris comes in the room, carrying a baby]\n:Brian: Chris, what the hell?\n:Chris: There is a room, where you can go in and just get free people."@en .